I am in that point in my life where I am trying to find myself.
Confusion gets me every time. I swear. This is not one of those “Oh, what should I do with my life?” or “What am I?” (not in the existential crisis way). It’s to the point where I DON’T KNOW WHERE I SHOULD REALLY BE. I know that I am young and should be enjoying life thinking all of the simple pleasures like going to McDonalds or going out to watch a movie with friends [in reality, my friends are far away from me] because that is what you expect a teenager would do. Or perhaps talk about good novels like Jane Austen’s books [does anybody still read them?] or blab how cool the VlogBrothers are. Meh, it’s not everyone’s thing. I’m quite sure of it.
BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT. (back to the topic)
People can’t tell you that you can be this or that because they believe that you can do a thing. I mean it’s not bad for them to suggest but they’re not just you, they will not completely understand. I am trying to find myself and it’s not a bad thing at all. It’s quite hard thinking who you are. Like, am I a doing things right?, should I want to be a writer?, what should I do in the future?, and most importantly am I relevant?
I actually read all of my journals trying to my own definition. Some entries said I was anxious, some were motivated, some were excited, some were just telling a random story, some were sad, some were hilarious, some were just a total failure, and some were just nothing.
It’s not like I’m saying that what should my future career be in 15 years later [that’s a huge topic to talk about with me] but it’s like knowing yourself like who you really are. Everyone is just a body, if you can see it from above. Just a normal human being, you know doing the usual stuff. Trying to survive, questioning, answering, and the likes. But if you’d like to dig in deeper, we are something that even ourselves couldn’t define. I personally think there’s something/someone in the midst recording bits and bits of our lives to be shown when we are near our death. Maybe that’s when we will realize who we truly are. Or maybe it’s just a one big mystery. We never truly know.
No, I am not trying to conclude this saying, OH EVERYBODY IS DIVERSE or WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT SIDES [which is like easily jumping to conclusions]. I think that we face different situations with different mirrors in front of us. Like for example: this is mirror A; mirror A shows that you are a Professor Umbridge when it comes to your younger brother or sister. Mirror B might show that you are COMPLETELY STUDIOUS when it comes to innovation and mirror C might show that you are a complete idiot when it comes to academics. It’s different.
I know that it’s really uncomfortable asking all of these but here is what I can suggest: go forth and write or maybe start an adventure. You don’t have to go to other (far) places that much. Maybe just this coffee shop nearby that you’ve always wanted to visit before. It’s just like going in the forest or in the park. Stop for a moment. Relax and think.
It’s never too late to know yourself.