It was unusual.
Maybe for me at least because I am the type of person who was all about work and experience.
I wasn’t expecting for someone to say those words to me or maybe so, it just didn’t seem sincere. My friend Stephen tells me I’ve smitten this person. I don’t believe him in the first place (not because of what he was notorious of but because I don’t believe that someone would have given me a liking). I just don’t think that such thing could actually happen.
I told Louis that I was utterly confused. (Note that Louis is not the guy we are talking about). I told him I got mad because I wasn’t used to what was served for me. He then asks me if I feel something. I told him that I don’t want to feel anything.
But damn, I kinda did. If measured by percentage, it would only be at about 3%. The resistance is truly strong. It’s also that I didn’t want to give in. He was nice and all but I told myself that this is just going to get out of nowhere.
But now, we are actually doing great if asked.
There’s nothing happening between us. We remain as colleagues.
He said “I love you” to me one night at March when I showed him the stats of this thing that he made. I happened to be an admin of the page that’s why I have the numbers. But nevertheless, I know it’s all friendly banter
Yes, I am aware of what you might be expecting because it is February.
He gave a flower to this girl and it was a pretty smooth move. Louis gave a flower to this girl I’ve been friends with since 8th grade. I drew myself a sunflower because the traffic was heavy in the flower market and I’ve got no one but myself to earn a flower on that day.
By this month, the four of us parted ways. No, it wasn’t a “sad” departure. In fact, it wasn’t even the departure you must be having in your head right now. It was silent and the happening only seemed to occur in my subconscious mind.
I’m not expecting for it. I guess, the thought only occurred in my head but that’s fine. It’s better off in that way.
This was also the fateful night where friendly exchanges of words and gestures were made. The definition of friendly in the previous sentence is up to you. I am sure that a lot happened.
February is different, you know. (Or maybe you don’t).
I had no intentions of treating it differently. I mean, I wasn’t even seeing someone. I wasn’t drawn to anyone. I was just genuinely happy and I welcomed all those who try to make the day better.
Truth to be told, I wasn’t expecting for this. I know that I would go along as the person whose relationships would remain platonic or familial.
I don’t know about now.
I don’t know how to narrate what happened. There was nothing particularly new in retrospect but it was all difficult and weird enough for me. Louis knows that I’m not used to this. Hell, all I could say that I’m happy with what I’m doing and that there’s so much in line for me.
I also haven’t told him [Louis and the person behind this] that I want to get out already.
Trust me, the other party didn’t do anything wrong (when talking about what I’ve got in my plate). I just wanted to be out of it. I mean, he is nice and all but it just didn’t feel right to me. If I were to be involved in something, I have to promise and let myself know that this is what you are having right now; that this is what it means to be connected with people.
But the truth is, I didn’t want to be connected in that way. Not anytime now.
For a short while, it felt like a safe haven. Now? Well, it’s still a space but it’s just a space.
I don’t know what the other party feels. I’m not trying to figure it out because I know I will eventually soon.
I haven’t been out yet. I don’t believe in escaping. I’d like to have a full closure with a decent farewell. As I have said before, I don’t leave people hanging around.
It doesn’t have to be a literal farewell. Just a farewell to what we have shared that I don’t feel like sharing anymore. I don’t want to be hiding anymore.
I’d still love to be friends but not of how we keep this going around.
Present time – April 26, 2017
I am frustrated for no absolute reason. Probably it’s because of the heat index or the pressure that I’m under because of my exam tomorrow. I try not to think too much about it.
If asked, I am happy these days. I really am despite the pressure of getting in a new school or the constant mood swings that I’ve been getting. I do believe that there’s more to face instead of skulking in a corner because of the problems that we have right now.
Today, I learned that some things will be painful for the better – it’s one of the best ways to let yourself be free again.